SP: Let's start a dialogue about relationships. There are a growing number of people of all ages choosing to be single. What are your thoughts about that? 

NS: There definitely are. And I think many of the people happy to be single are female and older. You can probably explain better than I can why that is. But presumably part of this trend generally is a growing disillusionment with relationships and the valuing of (sometimes hard-won) independence.

SP:  I am not sure that younger women feel that their independence is hard-won, as times have changed so dramatically since women were brought up to only be mothers and be dependent on their husbands for financial support. For older women, I am not sure it is about being independent either, although it plays a part. What other factors do you think are at play?

NS: I take your point about younger women. I think older women do prize independence, but I think they are also suspicious of older men, many of whom they see as looking for someone to take care of them. And post-menopausal women may – or in some cases may not – no longer feel the need for an intimate partner (while many men seem to let go of sexual desire only in much older age). What else do you observe?

SP:  I definitely want to talk from an older woman's perspective - my own, my friends' and my patients'. It is not that women do not have a sex drive during and post menopause - although for some the drive does lessen and sex can be really painful too. But what sits as the most important factor is for men to understand their women and to connect with them differently. Men too often struggle sexually as they get older, and often women are called upon to be patient and understanding. For women, they can feel sexual if their man makes them feel loved, listened to, appreciated and understood. That is much more likely to get a woman's juices flowing than any outdated patterns and expectations they might have got into – or in new relationships, techniques that have failed the man in previous relationships, that new women will not put up with. In short, women still love intimacy as they get older, but it needs to be with a man who is self-aware and willing to evolve. Often women feel very let down by men, and prefer to value that independence you refer to... 

NS: That all makes much sense and a lot of men would probably benefit from taking it on board – men of all ages, since I suspect the vast majority of men are mystified by women (attracted to them, but still mystified) and confused as to what exactly women do or do not want. The intimacy that women seek, particularly later in life, seems to differ from the intimacy men seek. Men do seem to want women, but do they need them? And slightly differently, one wonders if women actually want or need men?

SP: I think the millennials are more self aware, or at least the ones that are into self awareness! Do you really think men are mystified? Even if they are in a healthy relationship with a woman? Why do you think that would be? What intimacy do men want when they get older? How does it differ? Wants and needs... I think we all want to be wanted, but that is very different from being needed. Men don't seem to want women who have a financial need for them. Women do not want to be told what to do by men - they don't need guidance, or an alpha man telling them something that they already knew. Women used to have to pretend that a good idea came from their man, so they would set it up in order for the man to think that. The man would get the praise and feel that he was performing his role properly – or so I was told many years ago. Lots more questions for you... 

NS: On the whole, I think men do remain mystified by women – and that's part of the attraction perhaps: women continue to surprise men. In terms of the intimacy older men want, I feel it probably doesn't differ much from what they wanted as young men. What they need is another matter: they probably need to reflect on the fact they are actually older and on the fact that older women have probably done a lot more reflection and acceptance and embracing of change. You say women don't want to be told what to do by men... but you do know that's the same the other way round? Women are certainly not backward in telling men what they should and shouldn't do – I can testify to that! It's become a cliché that men are from Mars and women are from Venus... maybe they really are alien species to each other. Someone explained to me a few days ago that men are actually from Memphis... but I'm not sure where that leaves us, as that was an old rock'n'roller talking... To be serious, men and women can complement each other – but also irritate the hell out of each other. Is the ideal relationship one where they just don't spend that much time together?

SP: Great responses... although we are speaking about men and women as if they are ALL men and women. Not all women speak their minds. I think there is a lot to be said for not spending ALL the time with each other. But the ideal is to listen and communicate, tune in, understand each other, and so much more...

NS: I agree of course that we are generalising. There are a multitude of different men and different women. This is all very broadbrush. Communication and understanding are key. From personal experience, I recall that the last time that I said to a woman that I was trying to understand her feelings regarding a relationship, she replied: "How can you possibly understand me when I don't understand myself?" So this takes us to the eternal question of whether real relationship is even possible when our understanding of who or what we are is fragmentary or unclear. And whatever we are can be in constant flux, requiring constant attention from ourselves and from whomever we might be in relationship with.

SP: Ideally we are all in communication with ourselves, foremost, on a journey to continue to question who we are, how do we feel and what do we want in life. Our relationship with ourselves comes first. Without that, it is very difficult to be in a healthy relationship with someone else. The lady who said what she said to you – I think that relationship was destined to fail. So what shall we do about all of this? What are the answers? 

NS: You're right about that relationship! And you're right that our relationship with ourselves has to come first. I guess the inescapable conclusion here is that we should not even contemplate a relationship with someone else until we are in a good relationship with ourselves. And any potential relationship is likewise dependent on the other person also being in a good relationship with themself. So what are the chances of that happening? And could that be – consciously or unconsciously – why so many people are choosing to be single?

SP: Yep.

Double Take by Nigel Summerley and Shoshannah Phoenix